Monthly Archives: December 2010

Teen Mom 2: Dysfunction Satiety Levels Dangerously High

So will I or won’t I? I have to say I’d much rather see a third season with Amber Alert and the ol’ Funky Bunch than re-hash the whole sorry premature reproduction saga with a new crop of half-wits, with the odd semi-sane one thrown in to deter us off the scent of formulaic formulae.  Who will be this season’s Maci?  Will she wonder what even is an Albanian, anyway?  Will we have more domestic violence?  Well, if this cat can’t take care of that requirement, then no one can.

She sassy.  She batshit.

I don’t think I’d even be watching, really, if I weren’t so concerned with my dear readers.  I know you will all be out to sea, lost with wondering just how these new Teens are doing it wrong without my well-meaning commentary.  I have some flashcards too left over from my work with Amber and Maci.  I have a feeling Chelsea, Jenelle, Leah and Kailyn just might need my help.  I mean, half of the poor things can’t even spell their own names.

Handicapping: Chelsea is the sober, mature Maci one with a sick baby twist; Jenelle is the Amber trainwreck; Kailyn is the sad sack Catelynn I have a bad mother one, and that leaves Leah to be the inept Farrah show of limited competence?  I don’t know what I’m talking about. YET.  I’ve only seen parts of the 16 and Pregnants from whence these imposters sprung.

And now for our moment of zen hilarity.  The official show description says Jenelle is a “beach bunny.”

[Ellipsis of wonder and needle-strewn bio-waste “beach” imagery]

Although she does resemble  a white-trash version of Kristen Stewart and Jena Malone which means she resembles…me!  Scary.  Jenelle is my look-alike.  Maybe I’ll go easy on her like I did with Amber.


Yes, I’ll be featured on Teen Mom 3.  Because it appears I look like I should.

This clinches it.

I’ll be recapping Teen mom 2.  Watch out GED!  I’m tutoring.

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Christmases Wrapped Past and Present(s)

I used to pride myself on creative and decorative niceties around the holidays.  I drew my own cards and wrapped things with recycled odds and ends, the end result usually pretty and original.

This year? Let’s put is this way.  Not so much.

Exhibit A, “Two years ago, no children…oh, and two months worth of unemployment, too”:

Different family members had different symbolic representations, like a rooster for my mom and a bird for my sister.  We’re just weird like that.

Then I drew some doggies for my cousins’ little girls for their Christmas presents.

I guess I had some time on my hands?

I cut out paper from catalogs and made my own “wrapping paper” on plain white boxes for other gifts.

The “W” gifts were for my husband.

I’m glad I took pictures.  Because, honestly, no one really noticed or cared.  I mean they DID for a few seconds but it’s all so ephemeral.  I enjoy stuff like that just because I’m again, weird like that, but I don’t know if it’s worth it.  It’s almost better to save the effort for items that will be preserved.

Although my cousin did tell my his girls put the pictures on their walls after they opened the gifts.  So that was sweet.  It was really only 2o minutes of time for the cards, and it was fun.  It taught me that oh, yeah, I used to draw.  A lot.  And I loved it.  Maybe I still can.

Exhibit B, “Last year…one sick baby with severe acid reflux and burgeoning RSV bronchiolitis, sleep deprivation at Code Red”:

No pictures of cute presents.  They were just standard.  Nicely wrapped, one cute card per person, stockings hung. End of story. No time. Sick baby.

The baby did get adorned, though.

She was such a little pork belly, could you blame us?

Exhibit C, “This year, one toddler, still no sleep”

[Pictures redacted due to shame]

Honestly, I wrapped presents worse than a teenage boy might (sorry teenage boys with impeccable attention to detail, if you’re out there and reading this).  There are rips, tears, bulges.  No cards.  Simply names written in permanent marker on the wrapper paper.  It’s horrid.  I thought I had no time with a three-month-old who didn’t sleep more than two hours at a time?  Now I really, really, really have no time.  Also, the presents are hidden away in the basement from the toddler mad scientist/world explorer, so the pretty stacked with gifts tree-scape is no more.

Oh well.  I’m sure I will have many Christmases ahead of me with time for being cute and crafty.  Right now I have a hilarious mini-monster-human who will be more delighted at waking up to see a wonderland of presents appear out of nowhere on Christmas morning than any one human really has the right to be.

Enjoy whatever you have coming! I know I will.

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