So Jenelle is all locked up and I’m on Teen Mom Dr. Drew reunion special lockdown, meaning I’m in a media quarantine of my own making, so I don’t spoiler myself any more than I already am. I know Leah and Corey get married but I’m hoping I don’t find out about Jenelle being on the lam or Chelsea’s tanning overdose or Kailyn living in a trench dug in the ground on Jo’s parent’s property before it happens in real time.
Leah Lee Press-on Nails.
Seriously great comedic timing, Aleaah.
So I think it’s sort of weird that they keep talking about their daughter’s physical disabilities as if it was the perfect Deus-ex-Machina to their love life.
“I think it was the possible spinal cord defect that put the cherry on top of our getting back together!”
“Nah, I think it was the legs not supporting her body weight thing that made me want to kiss you again!”
That’s a really curled hat. I reckon.
Wait, Corey. Small and green is the perfect description of the perfect house for your hobbit hole in your local green glen. Wrong side of the mountain?
They live next to a brown mountain stream? Seriously, where they hell do they live, the set of Christy: The Mini-Series with Tyne Daly?
Chelsea. Speaking of comedic timing, the show’s editors have made a comment on your hair coloring, using, well, editing.
Let’s review. Two minutes thirty nine seconds into the show is this image:
Two minutes forty seconds, we see this:
Zebra one? Meet zebra two. No way you’re convincing me that was a coincidence.
Adam asks why he’s always to blame.
I think it’s always safe to blame the person wearing aviators, a Padres cap and a shell necklace.
Uh-oh. Here comes Big Randy Bear. Don’t underestimate a big ol’ Care Bear like Randy. He may be maternal and a doormat, but he makes Adam look like the little bitch that he is.
Of course! Of course. Of course Chelsea drives a red Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. That’s a literal Spoiled Bratmobile.
More signs Adam is the President of the Local Junior Abusers Club: male baby talk; “you’re not gonna get rid of me this time!”
Kailyn. I’m going to write this recap making fun of you, and then you can treat me to dinner, okay?
What do you need for college, Kailyn? Well, I’d pick up some tacks to decorate your dorm room, an EDD-NOS, some condoms, some Zuma’s for Spring Break in Cancun, notebooks, hickey-covering makeup, a Jansport, some reefer from Kieffer, and some Enfamil. That should cover it.
Too bad Chelsea can’t practice her math with Kailyn’s tuition payment plan. What’s $1500 divided by nothing?
What did sad sack Kailyn actually expect the financial aid office to say? That she didn’t have to pay, just because, I don’t know, she’s a sad sack babymama in the attic? When do those Teen Mom checks clear anyway?
Jenelle. Finally, we meet this Kieffer character. This Kierecter. There is no way you are telling me that there isn’t some funny weed smoking excised from the tape that makes their introductory scene actually make sense.
Let’s let these kids tell their own stories in their own words.
“I didn’t graduate high school. But I’m still sexy. Smelly. I look like I’m smelly, right?”
“I told my mom I would come home to babysit but I like to have sex on the first non-date.”
“I’m not hungover, Batty Nana, I obviously smoke copious amounts of pot instead of drinking alcohol.”
“No, he’s not a pothead. He’s a pot dealer.”
Ahh, the Darwin Awards. Unfortunately, near-misses don’t count. Sorry, editors. I know you were hoping and I do appreciate the pitch-perfect overlay of this scene with Jenelle’s lazy marijuana drawling “I don’t know, there’s just something about this guy. That I like.”
I love how Kierechter is already using Jenelle for rides and shit. Jenelle must be permanently stoned because she keeps erupting into rip-roaring laughter when Kierechter says such hilarious bon mots as “Hi!” and “Ready to go?”
Okay, the best thing I’ve seen all season is the succession of faces made by Batty Nana as Kierecter recounts his life story.
Also, if it’s so easy to get a job, then get one!
Oh, and this:
Go on, girl. Get paid.