Monthly Archives: April 2011

Teen Mom 2.4: Moving Slowly

So Jenelle is all locked up and I’m on Teen Mom Dr. Drew reunion special lockdown, meaning I’m in a media quarantine of my own making, so I don’t spoiler myself any more than I already am. I know Leah and Corey get married but I’m hoping I don’t find out about Jenelle being on the lam or Chelsea’s tanning overdose or Kailyn living in a trench dug in the ground on Jo’s parent’s property before it happens in real time.

Leah Lee Press-on Nails.

Seriously great comedic timing, Aleaah.

So I think it’s sort of weird that they keep talking about their daughter’s physical disabilities as if it was the perfect Deus-ex-Machina to their love life.

“I think it was the possible spinal cord defect that put the cherry on top of our getting back together!”

“Nah, I think it was the legs not supporting her body weight thing that made me want to kiss you again!”

That’s a really curled hat. I reckon.

Wait, Corey. Small and green is the perfect description of the perfect house for your hobbit hole in your local green glen. Wrong side of the mountain?

They live next to a brown mountain stream? Seriously, where they hell do they live, the set of Christy: The Mini-Series with Tyne Daly?

Chelsea. Speaking of comedic timing, the show’s editors have made a comment on your hair coloring, using, well, editing.

Let’s review. Two minutes thirty nine seconds into the show is this image:

Two minutes forty seconds, we see this:

Zebra one? Meet zebra two. No way you’re convincing me that was a coincidence.

Adam asks why he’s always to blame.

I think it’s always safe to blame the person wearing aviators, a Padres cap and a shell necklace.

Uh-oh. Here comes Big Randy Bear. Don’t underestimate a big ol’ Care Bear like Randy. He may be maternal and a doormat, but he makes Adam look like the little bitch that he is.

Of course! Of course. Of course Chelsea drives a red Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible. That’s a literal Spoiled Bratmobile.

More signs Adam is the President of the Local Junior Abusers Club: male baby talk; “you’re not gonna get rid of me this time!”

Kailyn. I’m going to write this recap making fun of you, and then you can treat me to dinner, okay?

What do you need for college, Kailyn? Well, I’d pick up some tacks to decorate your dorm room, an EDD-NOS, some condoms, some Zuma’s for Spring Break in Cancun, notebooks, hickey-covering makeup, a Jansport, some reefer from Kieffer, and some Enfamil. That should cover it.

Too bad Chelsea can’t practice her math with Kailyn’s tuition payment plan. What’s $1500 divided by nothing?

What did sad sack Kailyn actually expect the financial aid office to say? That she didn’t have to pay, just because, I don’t know, she’s a sad sack babymama in the attic? When do those Teen Mom checks clear anyway?

Jenelle. Finally, we meet this Kieffer character. This Kierecter. There is no way you are telling me that there isn’t some funny weed smoking excised from the tape that makes their introductory scene actually make sense.

Let’s let these kids tell their own stories in their own words.

“I didn’t graduate high school. But I’m still sexy. Smelly. I look like I’m smelly, right?”

“I told my mom I would come home to babysit but I like to have sex on the first non-date.”

“I’m not hungover, Batty Nana, I obviously smoke copious amounts of pot instead of drinking alcohol.”

“No, he’s not a pothead. He’s a pot dealer.”

Ahh, the Darwin Awards. Unfortunately, near-misses don’t count. Sorry, editors. I know you were hoping and I do appreciate the pitch-perfect overlay of this scene with Jenelle’s lazy marijuana drawling “I don’t know, there’s just something about this guy. That I like.”

I love how Kierechter is already using Jenelle for rides and shit. Jenelle must be permanently stoned because she keeps erupting into rip-roaring laughter when Kierechter says such hilarious bon mots as “Hi!” and “Ready to go?”

Okay, the best thing I’ve seen all season is the succession of faces made by Batty Nana as Kierecter recounts his life story.

Uh, huh.

UH HUH

OHHHHH BOY!!!

Also, if it’s so easy to get a job, then get one!

Oh, and this:

Go on, girl. Get paid.

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Teen Mom 2.3: This Song Reminds Me of You

Ah, Teen Mom. The only thing better than being a teen mom is being a 30-year-old mom, watching and remarking on Teen Mom from the comfort of my cozy home and stable marriage. The only thing better than being a teen mom, however is being a Teen Mom and appearing on US Weekly and raking in the bucks. Capitalization is key.

Chelsea. So is her dad gay? And is that why he’s so cash-supportive of her same-sex domestic set-up?

So I know trucker caps were all the rage with douchey rich kids, but I didn’t know the whole shirt that isn’t a shirt stretched out look was catching on.

Hey, Adam. Corey doesn’t appreciate you co-opting his blue collar working man style. It’s classist appropriation.

And unsightly and stuff.

I think it’s funny that Chelsea thinks she’s “teaching” Aubree how to crawl by saying “come on, crawl!” in a voice turned up to 10 on the faux-baby-screech-o-meter. I guess that’s sort of like how Chelsea’s father “taught” her to be a responsible adult, by mildly intoning “come on, Chelsea, don’t be a spoiled brat. Here’s $300 for the day.”

Beauty school dropout is the perfect goal for Chelsea! Want to look like a wax figure of yourself? I know the perfect makeup artist!

“Hey, Chelsea and Aubree: this song reminds me of you guys!”- Adam. The threat of cuckoldry comes through, again. Sort of. How biologically deterministic.

This relationship’s potential to work can be summed up by their biggest current challenge: Adam missing a party. If missing a party (which I bet involves video games, Bud Light and someone’s brother’s basement apartment) is jeopardizing the very fiber of their pairing, well, I’m sure the constant tensions, money worries, sleep deprivations, and the day-in day-out weariness of a long-term marriage will be easy as pie.

“You have to like, feed her. Give her food.” Something tells me Aubree is about to experience starvation by Xbox.

Baby got fed +1 point. An hour of watching biological child unable to be endured without posse of unemployed men-children -1. Score=neutral.

Oh, wait. I calculated too soon. Fireworks with babies -10,000,000 points. Revised score=-10,000,000.

Jenelle. So I’ve been known to get irritated when fathers use the term baby-sitting to refer to the care of their own children, but now Jenelle just said she’s babysitting Jace? Ha. Wow.

Jenelle has her son in a swing? Isn’t he like 9 months old?

Jenelle Jean Shorts falls right into Nana’s careful plotting. Check out this Chesire Cat that ate the shit canary grin:

Aw, she’s not that bad. She wants the best. Although did anyone else get scared for a second when Jenelle started her monologue with “Dad used to tickle me…” I’ve been watching too many Intervention episodes with scary back stories.

Anyone want to know what Jenelle will look like at 30?

Well, minus the weddings rings and a full set of teeth, I’m sure.

Wait, she’d probably have at least a baker’s dozen by that point. Try this one, instead, with the requisite different baby daddy Irish twins (Irish and Scots-Irish twins?):

Ah, the breakdown of the nuclear American family and the rise in custodial grandparents. Jenelle is so newsy.

I’m with Batty: I don’t want any children or animals in any of her “friend’s” “cars.” Ever. I’m not sure if I’d like to see vegetation ride with those kids.

Batty Nana sends a lot of mixed messages. She says Jenelle was the “missing mama” when she was at work. But I guess she was shopping after work and Batty didn’t know where she was? Then Batty said spending $3 on a skirt was too much money. She confuses me. Then she says Jenelle looks cute in dresses but shouldn’t go out but then will watch Jace all the time anyway, therefore enabling Jenelle to go out any damn time she pleases. I guess it’s a control thing, and Batty probably enjoys being needed. Has Jenelle really acted so badly with Jace present that she shouldn’t be able to take him out by herself? I think Batty could give her a test run or two (minus her ex-con friends) and see how she does.

Although, if Jenelle really was turning over a new leaf, she would resist wearing jean shorts and actually stay home WITH Batty and Baby. But then she wouldn’t be the Jenelle we know and love know.

Kailyn. Back at Thornfield Manse, the baby mama was wildly thrashing about in the basement.

All Jo ever seems to do is come into the kitchen from some unidentified place and activity and make endless sandwiches from endless sandwich material that just seems to be in constant supply on the kitchen counters.

Jo says all Kailyn does is live in his crib and doesn’t pay for anything or shit, yeahhhh. Junior says yeahhh. His crib! Doesn’t do anything! Except watch a child non-stop. How interesting that he pays his parent’s McMortgage. Who knew?

Note to Jo’s father: you look bad, yelling at some sad homeless teen girl who has nowhere to go because your stupid son’s manhood is all threatened. Not her.

Poor Kailyn. The lady at the college orientation had to rub it in that she had no parents, no parental figures accompanying her. Just her and her baby. “You’re the parent and the student.” So she’s planning on taking her classes with baby in tow?

Okay, so Kailyn’s mom’s house looks decent. And decently-sized. HINT HINT. I love how she sends off her homeless teenage mother daughter with a brightly optimistic “Good luck!”

And now every Kailyn scene is accompanied by the sad strumming sounds of a recurrent soundtrack of pure depression.

Leah. Someone send her $10,000 for being fan favorite. I’m in love with her and Corey’s love and also mildly in love with Corey. He’s so strong and silent. And I’m so silent about Leah’s story because it’s so normal there’s not much to say. Well, it’s normal with a twangy patois.

So in my mind where Maci lives and where Leah lives is basically the same place. I don’t feel like actually looking it up, so I’m going with the premise that the MTV scouts hung around the same Appalachian town looking for Maci 2.0 and settled on the first nice, skinny pregnant girl they could find.

Look at the adorable glen they live in.

Also adorable: their extended families and they way they coo at the babies. Teen Mom needs more cooing. And less mascara. I’m glad Leah is the only happy story we have but she’s getting a little 6th grade with her “you and me and our babies will live in a house 4eva!” heart doodles. Calm down there Leah. We have a lot more episodes to go.

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