Can’t wait to re-institute Fitness Fridays again.
There’s just not much fitness happening for me right now, but I’m pretty much too exhausted to care.
There IS a lot of feeding…complicated, problematic baby feeding. Part of me wishes this could be Formula Friday, when I talk about how I guiltlessly decided breastfeeding was causing more stress than I could handle and just made the switch for my sanity and family’s equilibrium.
But I can’t do that yet. Even though it feels like an easy out right about now.
If only I could have my body back…no more painful nipples, no more leaking, no more uncomfortable engorgement. Struggling with the baby to get him to latch right. Aches and pains in the joints and muscles of my neck and shoulder from holding him, often awkwardly, for most of the day and night. Endlessly feeding him. Having to wake up and pump. Being tied to home, being on call, being the only one who can feed him. Clogged ducts, mastitis, and now what I think is thrush.
Last time around with my daughter this was the straw that broke me. After a month in, with all the same problems as this time, I couldn’t handle that final one. I couldn’t handle what should seem to be the more mundane aspects: what to wear, how to sleep, how to deal with pain and soreness when all nursing pads seemed excruciatingly painful. A topless life was not so convenient. Now I only wear Soothies (the gel pads) because everything else, of course, hurts. If I have thrush, I can’t really wear them 24-7, because, well, thrush. The problem seems insurmountable here from my vantage point. I know it’s not, but down here in the depths of sleep deprivation and constant stress, it seems like I just drove for days only for the highway to end at a cemented-over tunnel entrance.
I ventured out to a breastfeeding support group with Henry yesterday. Magically, it was five blocks away from my house and only one other woman was there, so the lactation consultant was able to talk to me for a long time. She said I was doing everything “right,” trying to fix all the problems the right way. This was unfortunately before I realized I might be getting thrush so I didn’t get a chance to ask her about that.
I feel like crying and Why Me-ing…why do I have every problem in the book (that I never got around to reading) and some people breeze through this? I know I am blessed in so many ways and breeze through other things some women struggle with (how about having healthy babies in the first place? I know I’m lucky.) But the Why Me-ing is a comfortingly dark and teary place to dwell. It’s not healthy to stay here. I know. But right now I’m frustrated and feel defeated.
Which is probably why this post is highly whiny and depressing. Here’s to a happier post come Monday.